What it means to be alone

A conversation with myself:

Sometimes… I feel alone. Not in a depressing way, it has just simply become a state of mind.   C’mon Yousaf, life is not that bad. No, I know! I have a great family, great friends who I consider brothers and tons of acquaintances… Then? But this feeling of seclusion remains and it not fun. That sounds horrible. Well its not horrible per se, just a fact of this period of my life. It’s probably just because you are going through a tough time or maybe you just need to get married. No… That is not it. This ‘thirst’ cannot be quenched by anything or anybody in this world. Huh?

I have not yet figured out the solution to this problem BUT Alhamdulillah I have at least been able to prevent thisemotion from hindering my effectiveness and progress (I hope at least). Actually, this feeling has become the impetus for me doing something good with my life… You make absolutely no sense man! Let me explain. I believe in Allah and the Last Day upon which I will be judged; the result of that judgment either being eternal bliss or everlasting suffering. This still doesn’t make sense …in fact I now think you are just changing the subject or you’re just crazy.  Okay, so this feeling of loneliness I have felt is quite possibly the worst feeling I have felt… ever. We got that already. In fact, I have been bruised, broke limbs, had surgeries  and have even been sat upon by my older brother for hours (the perks of being an older brother I guess)… BUT I can be one hundred percent confident that physical pain hails in comparison to the anguish of psychological and emotional struggle. A poem that I recently heard said: ‘She would prefer a broken neck to another broken heart’ and after some thought I can empathize and I am sure you would agree. Maybe. Get to the point because you are losing me. (It is bad when you lose interest in your own thoughts).

So here is where my thought comes full circle. Imagine on that Day when there is no shade but His. That Day when everyone you ever knew on this Earth will have turned their back on you and the only One whose love you desire isactually the ONLY source of all love for the rest of time.  It sounds cliché and maybe corny but try to imagine this moment: You have just been told that for the rest of eternity, you will be alone. You are no longer worthy of the love of anyone. For the rest of infinity, nobody will be there for you, care about you or even think of you. On top of that, your Creator turns His back on you for the last time: FOREVER. Worst part: you actually deserve it!

That sounds horrible!  I agree, and that is why this feeling of loneliness I feel now has become the reason why I get out of bed in the morning. The emptiness I feel persuades me to get a move on the responsibilities I have in this world. I have come to imagine the darkness of Hell to be the absolute bleakness of isolation. Obviously the physical torment scares the bajesus out of me BUT, knowing that I have earned the rejection of Allah, the One who made me, is terrifying.  This is a sad post Yousaf, I need a hug. It is okay, we will eat a donut after this 🙂

But wait, there is a bright side! Please give it to me or prescribe me some Valium! You know I can’t do that for another 2 years silly plus drugs are never the answer. The upside is this: if we do what we have to do, we get Paradise (castles and bliss and rivers of honey and all that good stuff) BUT moreover, we are granted the knowledge that we have earned the pleasure of The Merciful.  We become worthy of His love for the rest of time. MMMMMMM… Now that is what I am talking about. That sounds like  the cure to this feeling of  ‘alone.’  Let’s do this life thing.

(END of Schizophrenic Episode)

Here is your donut

 

~ by Yousaf on April 12, 2009.